reduplicating | open post

[Beijing has been hard on all of them, and it's Mikal's job to be the strong one for everyone. He has to be unmovable, he has to appear unaffected, even if he's crumbling inside. Even if he's waking up from nightmares every time he manages to close his eyes.

He's only just managed to fall asleep when he's woken again by Andyr slipping in next to him, wrapping around him. He sighs deeply and turns his head. When it's just the two of them alone, he can afford to let himself show a little, to reveal the turmoil behind the icy exterior. But even now, with Andyr suffering so much, he feels like he has to be the strong one. And he's just so tired.

He's so tired. He's been running on rage and the thirst for revenge for so long, he feels worn thin by it. But he can't stop. He can't afford to. He doesn't have time.]

Andyr...

[He sighs out softly, unable to hide the exhaustion in his voice.]

What time is it?

[ they don't both have to be immovable in front of each other, andyr would tell him. has, likely, in quiet moments like this. andyr knows better than anyone how hard it is to hold off from breaking, the insane things you do to yourself - to your body, to your mind - to just keep it together a little longer. but no one's watching them here, and andyr only came for the contact, for someone who knows him, for someone who cares for him, not for a sturdy rock to lean on.

brutal, savage and wild as andyr is, he still has this need - to feel close, to touch and be touched, to feel like he isn't so alone, and he knows mikal needs it too. that's why his lips press against the side of mikal's neck, lazily, just the affection and intimacy of it, not wanting anything more than that as he curves his body against him, fitted close. ]

Four or five. Dunno.

[ he murmurs, turning to touch his forehead to mikal's cheek, as a hand raises to card fingers through his short hair, softer than andyr is with any other person in this ragtag army, besides posie. ]

Sleep much?

No.

[He softens, gives in, turns to wrap his arms around Andyr and breath in a deep, shiddering breath as he buries his face into Andyr's shoulder. He's so tired.]

Can't close my eyes without seeing it.

[It. Everything.]

Is there anything in the world worth saving?

[It's a question he's been asking himself more and more lately. Why do they even bother, when people like that exist out there? Would everything be better off if they just burned everything down?]

I don't know anymore.

[ a whispers, against mikal's cheek. he can't admit that, out there, to the others. they have to believe in what they're doing, have to keep morale up, because this is far from an easy fight for any of them. but here, he doesn't like to mikal. ]

You are. Posie is.

[ That's what he knows, right now. They're the two things most precious to him in the world, and he'd burn everything for them. So long as the Houses are looking to take them back, they'll be first on the list. Once they're done with that, who knows. But it's easiest for him if he narrows his view of it down to just that. The pinpricks of what's his, and what he can't live without.

knowing he'll be forced to anyway, one day. but that's still a ways off. ]

[He lets out a harsh breath, almost a voiceless laugh, but bitter.]

I'm not worth saving, Andyr.

[He doesn't have much of a conscience, not really, but he knows what he's done. He knows.]

[ andyr frowns, lifting his head and crawling up mikal enough to hold his face between his palms and kiss him, softer than you'd think ever of them are capable of. ]

You are to me.

[ there are plenty, even on their side of things, who have seen andyr standing in a bloodbath, soaked in it and smiling like a maniac that would say andyr isn't worth keeping around either, but fuck them, honestly. they don't know where he's been, they don't know why he does what he does. mikal does. and this world has no idea what all mikal's done for it, that it never deserved either. ]

[Mikal lets out a sob, so, so quiet, when Andyr kisses him, and he tightens his grip on Andyr, holds him as closely as he can, presses his cheek to Andyr's.]

You're an idiot.

[But he clutches Andyr desperately, threads his hand in Andyr's hair and holds him like he's an anchor, like they're the only things keeping each other from falling to pieces in the midst of the tornado.]

[ the sob resonates against his lips, and andyr swallows it down, kissing him deeper, holding him closer, fingers pushing through the soft waves of his hair, and cupping the back of his head delicately. ]

You're my brother.

[ and i love you, is somewhere lost in there, but even familial love is hard for either of them to push out. it's understood, at least, andyr knows it must be. mikal gets him more than anyone else, really. he must know. ]

I'm not ever leaving you, you know that? [ not until the very end. whether they make it through and out of this war or not, mikal's all he has left to really call family, and with all the memory he has of andyr's life before hapsburg, he knows the weight of that, for him. ]

I know.

[He lets himself care about so few people in the world. He doesn't have time for love, he tells himself. He's only got time to burn the world down.

And then there's Andyr. Mikal's never had real family, he was grown in a lab, raised to be an object, the property of their Dear Corporate Mothers and Fathers, but Andyr... Andyr is his brother, in that weird twisted way they consider family.

And he loves him. And he's not entirely sure he could do any of this without him.]

Don't... don't ever.

I won't, I promise. Come here.

[ He whispers against Mikal's cheek, lips picking up tear tracks and brushing them away with soft kisses, as he rolls them. Laying out on his back, Andyr's arms around his brother's shoulder pull him closer, to curl against his chest.

No one's watching him here, no one needs to know how he crumbles, sometimes. He pets back Mikal's hair, and presses kisses across his forehead and over his eyes, tugging him close and tight. ]

No where else I wanna be. [ not even in Alaska, with Alva. Not with Mikal out here. No way in hell. ]

[He takes a deep breath and curls up against Andyr, then laughs softly.]

You didn't come in here to comfort me.

[Mikal sighs and trails his fingers across Andyr's skin, his cheek pressed to Andyr's chest, still blinking back tears.]

We should be doing this the other way 'round.

I came in here to be with you.

[ there's nothing that can be said or done about what they've seen, where they've been, or where they're going. what he'd wanted was mikal's presence, to be able to hold on to him, know he's there and isn't going anywhere.

a thumb wipes at his eyes, a trails back over his shoulders, rubbing smooth circles over his back as their legs tangle. ]

This's all the comfort I need.

[He sighs again, closing his eyes when Andyr wipes at his tears.]

You're a sap.

[But there's no meanness in his words, just a tired insult, or a joke, out of habit more than anything else. Or maybe out of love. He nuzzles into Andyr.]

Thank you.

And you’re a jackass.

[ Spoken fondly, after all, it’s a large part of why Andyr likes him so much over the other clones. He never claimed to be well adjusted - none of them have. ]

Don’t need to thank me. [ Andyr murmurs against Mikal’s hair, arms squeezing around him as he nuzzles in. ] You’re my brother.

[ it’s just what he does, because Mikal is important. Because he matters, because Andyr loves him and always will. ]

[He laughs, exhausted, and holds Andyr close.]

You're mine.

[The only family he has. The only family he needs.]

[ Another kiss it touched to his forehead, and Andyr shuffles some, getting them in a comfortable sleeping spot, with the blanket tugged up around their shoulders. ]

Try to sleep, okay? You got more work to do tomorrow than me.

[ and Mikal's always so insistent that that work gets done. sleep deprivation won't stop him, so andyr wants to make sure he gets as much rest in as he can. ]

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